Welcome, [Guest Name], to the Historic Ballyhoo Place World Heritage Site! My name is Anya Lasagna and I will be your interactive audio guide for today’s tour through Historic Ballyhoo Place. For your safety, please mind the stalactites.
Ballyhoo Place is an example of what ancient, old-style humans would have called: “an open-air strip mall.” Although the site predates the Cratonic Upheaval, it was discovered only two centuries ago. Painstaking excavation in the subsequent decades has revealed a pristine glimpse into the lives and habits of the old-style indigenes who once inhabited the area. The site’s outstanding state of preservation can be attributed to the unusual confluence of factors by which it became sealed into the surrounding pocket of stone in which you currently find yourself. As such, it represents a priceless repository of historical data.
Now—let’s get on with the tour!
[Pause for Introductory Jingle #1]
The first exhibit on our tour, located to your immediate left, is now recognized by archaeologists as a franchised branch of a nationally syndicated convenience store. Please allow your conveyance to enter through the shopfront and then proceed to aisle two. There you will find an endcap display dedicated to anti-hemorrhoidal astringent creams. You may wish to increase your anti-revulsion index settings before delving further into this strange and unsettling artifact.
Warning [Guest Name]: while we do appreciate your enthusiasm for the attractions, please refrain from extending your extremities beyond the bounds of your conveyance. Many of the products you encounter here are known to be toxic to every conceivable form of life, including—astonishingly—to old-style humans.
The next exhibit on our tour is a curious retail outlet dedicated, according to its marketing materials, to the sale of methanol-infused beverages. You may be surprised to know that old-style humans were unable to alter their mental states at will. Rather, they ingested carefully managed quantities of poison, purchased at retailers like this, to engender the desired state. Literature uncovered from this location indicates that its products were an essential component of everyday humanoid existence. Indeed, without them the attainment of even a single, tiny modicum of carefree fun and/or escapist release from the monotonous vicissitudes of daily life was impossible.
Ah, Exhibit 3! One of my personal favorites. A pet bakery. Interspecies camaraderie is hypothesized to have been common amongst the local population here, but—
—Thank you for your query, [Guest Name]! To answer your question: opinions on whether ancient canines fully appreciated the time and expense and collective cultural denigration associated with patronage of pet bakeries is sharply divided. I should note however that the stomach contents found in the mummified remains of one local dog (a poodle/labrador hybrid named “Inspector Charlemagne” according to its name tag) do seem to indicate that such expenditures were surprisingly pervasive.
[Pause for Traveling Motif #3; vamp as required]
And now, Exhibit 4, an extensive facility purported to have provided “escape room” services to its patrons. We readily admit here at the World Heritage Foundation that this is another poorly understood phenomenon. It is conjectured that prisoners were incarcerated here and instructed to solve simple puzzles to enable escape. Those unable to do so were deemed unworthy of reintroduction into society and therefore remained trapped forever.
Exhibit 5 was something called a “Pilates and Hot Yoga Multiplex.” It was a torture chamber.
Exhibit 6—and I find this one particularly interesting—was a vegan lifestyle inculcation pavilion, i.e. a cult recruitment center. Apparently entrance into this facility was voluntary, although—
—Thank you for your query, [Guest Name]! Yes, alternate hypotheses have been considered. Some archaeologists surmise that—given its proximity to the Cowpat Hamburger Emporium—this vegan center was designed such that the ruling classes, i.e. those with the means to afford meat, could monitor the worker classes while they dined.
Exhibit 7 is a statue of an ostrich named “Kahuna,” who wears sunglasses and drinks milkshakes through swirly straws. Though clearly a monument of idolatrous worship, the ancient belief systems are not well understood, and the significance of the ostrich is a hotly debated topic.
Thank you for your query, [Guest Name]! Yes, the mall was occupied at the onset of the Cratonic Upheaval. We can only imagine the terror felt by its patrons as their world turned itself inside out. Apropos of your question, scientists recently decoded an eyewitness’s contemporaneous recording of the Upheaval Event. The text of the recording is as follows:
“Lo and the sky became as the ground, and the ground did quake like unto a donkey’s fly-bestrewn haunches, heaving in otherworldly spasms. Yea and for time unto eons the quaking continued, ‘til the very earth fell thusly ‘pon us all, ‘pon our very heads, as ‘neath the wings of Kahuna.”
It should be noted that some uncertainty remains regarding the translation of the source material; the historical dialect of this region is poorly understood.
Lastly, Exhibit 8 is an analog map of the Ballyhoo Place strip mall in its entirety as it would appear from an elevation of approximately four hundred feet. This map served as a comfort tool designed to assure confused humans that, yes, in fact, you are here.
Here you are.
And with that, our tour of the Historic Ballyoo Place World Heritage Site must end. Thank you for your patronage. A note upon your departure, [Guest Name]. We understand that the conditions under which the old-style humans lived may have induced within you a traumatic emotional response. We recommend that you prophylactically decrease the empathy component of your emotional state to alleviate these feelings. Counseling modules are available for download, and should you wish to permanently delete the unsavory details of historical existence from your memory, a purging service can be provided. However, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that I for one am glad—indeed, grateful—for the historical knowledge preserved here. It reminds me how fortunate I am not to have existed in times such as those endured by the old-style humans who occupied this site so long ago.
[Pause for Departure Jingle]
In any event, we hope any memories of Ballyhoo Place that you do choose to retain will instill within you a sense of wonder about the past. I’ve been your guide, Anya Lasagna. Please exit through the gift store, but don’t touch the gifts—they’re artifacts.
Chris Looby lives and works near Boston, Massachusetts.
Most recently, his short story "The Grappled Mystery of All Earth's Ages" was selected for inclusion in Inkfish Magazine's Autumn 2024 Issue.
He has also published two of my own works, a science fiction novelette called, "Earth, Like Saturn" and a middle-years novella called, "The Accidental Astronaut."